life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
