my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
How did I end up in the pool?!
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Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
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