I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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