Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
