I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
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I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
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I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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