I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
