I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
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dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
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tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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