I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
