You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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