Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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