If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
