we made out on top of his cat.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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