ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
