The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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