Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
