Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
