The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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