I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
