Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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