I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Randomize
