i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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