i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
