your thong is hanging out like whoa
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
