I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
