I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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