I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
