i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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