Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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