So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
