woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
