i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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