6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
