can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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