i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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