I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
