girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
