I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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