I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
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Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
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Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
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