you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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