Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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