It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
