I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
worst night to have a conscience
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Randomize
