Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
