i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
