Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Randomize
