Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I love having hate sex.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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