It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
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As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
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Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
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