I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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