Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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