Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
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Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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