a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
My vagina just clenched in fear
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
