You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
