i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Randomize
