He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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